Videos - All . The . Feels . - January 31st, 2017

I made the decision years ago to start recording myself in yoga videos.  I have brainstormed the shit out of this idea...hours, days, weeks, months...have been spent trying to decide how, what, when...why.  What really held me back was the intimidation of not knowing if I would like what I see.  I pride myself on being body positive, this concept was only introduced to me recently (with in the last 7 or 8 years).  Before I believed that I was acceptable, I always thought that there was something wrong with me, the fat, the rolls, the cellulite, the jiggle...society, my community had convinced me that it was gross and I needed to change.  This programing doesn't change overnight.  There are days where I am frustrated with my body, but it is so much different now, because I have the experience of acceptance.  So you can understand why a visual recording would be intimidating, I don't want to look at my body and judge it, fall back into old patterns. 

I recently gained about 60lbs, this is more than I prefer on my frame because the extra weight causes me too much back and hip pain.  This doesn't mean that I love or accept myself any less.  There is a part of being body positive that is supporting yourself in the best way possible and if you are in pain because there is extra weight, lose it to feel better (this doesn't make you any less body positive - it actually makes you more aware not only of physical pain but also of the different aspects of body positivity as a whole).  And...I digress...this is what I tend to do, ha ha. 

I have finally committed to shooting videos, specifically a youtube.com series called 'Fat People Yoga Hacks.'  Unfortunately the majority of the world/society is a little slow at accepting that body positivity and body diversity is a thing...a necessary thing.  Fat [bodied] people (and btw, fat is simply a noun, it is a piece of your body [everyone has some, some have more, some have less], flesh, tissue...that is all it is) are not accommodated well in yoga, they are often ignored because yoga teachers are uncomfortable with fat, told that 'this class' might be too difficult for them, are over adjusted because teachers do not understand the anatomy of the body when it is covered in extra flesh...can you see the difficulty and frustration on the part of a fat [bodied] person?  Here I am an extra fleshy person who is going to put herself on video, emotionally I struggle with depression, anxiety, ptsd and other physical health issues (not weight related), and I have decided that one of the best ways I can help people is by making videos in the hope that others can find the beauty in yoga that I have been able to find. 

The first videos I recorded were practice videos, where it's just me practicing.  This was so much easier than I thought it would be.  It wasn't a performance at all, instead it was a true meditation, I was just going with the flow and being aware of my body and the experience.  In fact I nearly forgot that I was even recording myself, what felt like 2 or 3 minutes of practice was actually 7 or 8 minutes.  When the moment came for me to watch the video I created, I was in complete awe at how crisp my lines were, how graceful I was, how unassuming I seemed, and the general feeling of just being inside of my body.  It is a somewhat personal and vulnerable experience to share your practice with the world, and even though I was extremely intimidated and it took me years to make the recording it feels wonderful.